So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
