checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
