I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
