smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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