He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
