I think my vagina is haunted
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
