so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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