you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
im holly from the hills drunk
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
