I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
