nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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