he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
