we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's always time for handjobs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
