I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
