PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
