WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
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I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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