you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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