I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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