I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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