I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
it's like iHOP with fire
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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