so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
