I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
