you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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