remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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