He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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