I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
