I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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