I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.