In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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