My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
