I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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