well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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