My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
