I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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