Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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