This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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