she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
