We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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