Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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