Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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