there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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