i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
