have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
