Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
