He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
