The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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