you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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