I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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