apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
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the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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