here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
