I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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