The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
