Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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