Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
