so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
